Idealistic Wanderlust

I sat on the roof watching some fireworks tonight and I began to think about how different my next few Fourth of Julys will be. Will I be with Americans? Will I forget? Will I have a perfectly normal day? Will I feel sad? I really don't know. And then I started to wonder about what, exactly, I expect I will have accomplished by this time next year. I will have finished the school year, I will have become familiar with Russian (Kazakh?) Will I have made any sort of difference? Probably. Will I be able to recognize that? Probably not. It's not like I will actually see if I have changed anyone's life, saved a life? Who knows. And couldn't I save a life in the US? Have I? Do I actually have to leave to change the world? I really think I do, but then, I have this craving to not be here.

But when "there" becomes "here" will I feel the same way?

A friend of mine and I were talking about wanting to stay put a few months ago, and I understand the desire to stay in one place for a few years. I want to have a consistent home, I want to sleep in "my bed" and have a permanent place to just be. For awhile. I think that's exactly what I will get for two years. I will have permanence, I won't be able to leave (easily), I am getting what I wanted, in a way. So why do I have to leave? To accomplish my goals? Or am I simply accomplishing something by going to a far away place? Where does the change begin? Was it my initial decision, am I making a difference simply by telling people what I will do for the next two years? I don't know. Right now, what I want is to go to Kazakhstan and have all my wildest-idealistic dreams come true.

Single-handedly changing the world is a stretch. But maybe if enough of us are equally idealistic we can make a little change for the better? Maybe that's just stupid, but I have to try.